oh god the rape fog is back!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
