im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
