she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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