I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
