Someone shit on the floor
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
