He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
