Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
