hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
