I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
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