Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
