apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
