she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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