If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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