2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
