I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
