Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
