On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
