No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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