so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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