You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
