I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
