it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
