I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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