that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You need a sexual gate keeper
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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