I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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