OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
