you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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