I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
