I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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