So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
