i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
