before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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