come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
