Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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