I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
