Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
