i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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