I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
