we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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