Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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