Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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