I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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