Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
