by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
