I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
