We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
