Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
