i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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