A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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