I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
