Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Who died my cat blue again?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
