Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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