SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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