we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
