i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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