he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
God, I missed his penis.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
