Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
