I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
