i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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