Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
